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5 steps to recovery from OCD

Postnatal OCD – My story

I was aware of postnatal depression. It is in fact something that is more widely talked about nowadays. So when my health visitor asked how I was doing after the birth of my son, I responded that I was fine. I was tired but not feeling depressed.

This was true until five weeks later, when things started to change. Completely unrelated to my birth I developed sepsis. Thankfully my partner was aware of the symptoms and took me to hospital straight away. After this I started to feel more pressure from myself to be well, but I wasn’t really recovering. I started having other odd symptoms such as stomach ache. After visiting the GP, I was rushed to hospital, where it was found that my gallbladder had been causing all the trouble. A few days later I had emergency surgery to have it removed.

Postnatal OCD symptoms

My body was recovering but as the days turned into weeks and with a house move as well, things started to spiral. My fears were about leaving the door unlocked. However when I tried to rationalise these thoughts, my thoughts turned to leaving the cooker on. And when I tried to rationalise these, they then turned to thoughts of self-harm.

What scared me was how quickly my thoughts had escalated, from fairly manageable if unpleasant ones to worrying that I would harm myself or my baby. The smallest things would set me off, such as the sound of a new electronic toy, or the sounds of my sons cry, which would force me to abandon the room due to my fear that I could touch a knife.

I spoke to my partner about what was happening because I had become acutely aware that I could no longer tell whether these thoughts, were just thoughts. I couldn’t be sure I wasn’t going to act on them. It got to the point where I no longer wanted to touch or look after my son and if anything I thought he would be happier without me.

I spent two months in hospital on my own and then as health professionals realised I wasn’t better when I returned home, I then spent six weeks in a Mother and Baby Unit. This was the best and worst experience while trying to recover. The best because it led me to being well enough to be discharged and being able to rebuild my life. The worst because it pushed me really hard while I was there. I had to work through my situation everyday. I made a quick if slightly surprising recovery at the unit, however I know I would not have improved so, if I had not had my son with me.

Seek Help

Intrusive OCD pretends to be your friend, but it ends up being an extremely controlling one. It makes you feel safe at the beginning, but you quickly realise it starts to dominate your life. So talk to someone; a friend, a partner, whoever you feel you can trust. OCD keeps you isolated and paranoid, and that’s how it likes it. I nicknamed my OCD ‘Trish’.

You are not the only one

OCD or OCD traits, are actually very common, with a large proportion of people experiencing some sort of symptom at some point in their lives. OCD can make you feel and think some pretty terrible things, but professionals who have dealt with OCD have heard it all.

I remember in therapy, unburdening one of my deepest darkest fears and yet the therapist wasn’t shocked. In fact they didn’t call social services or even the police. They told me how awful it must have felt to be overwhelmed by such nasty thoughts all this time. I broke down and this was the beginning of my recovery.

Don’t try and do everything

Even without surgery, having a baby is a huge life change. So make sure you don’t try and manage everything yourself and do ask for help. Ask friends and family if they want to do some washing for you, take the dog for a walk, or perhaps make some food. On the other hand, keep unhelpful friends and family away.

Take everyday as it comes

This is perhaps easier said than done. Recovery is not a straight line and even with medication, you might find your symptoms ebbing and flowing.

When someone asked me what it was like to have intrusive OCD, I said when it was bad it was like having someone shouting at me all the time. That’s pretty hard to ignore and pretty tiring too. But with time, my better days did get more and my bad days less often.

Structure your day

This doesn’t mean you have to be doing something every single hour of the day as a baby is pretty time consuming. But it’s important to keep your mind focused. I found high intensity exercise was best but even just getting out at least once a day was really beneficial.

Sarah is a mum in Surrey. Whilst in recovery, Sarah decided to tell her story, to help and inspire others. She has spoken on BBC radio Surrey and is currently a peer support worker within the NHS.

https://www.thelunahive.com/5-things-you-might-be-feeling-after-having-a-baby/

5 Ways to Get Rid of Stress

How to get rid of stress

In small doses, stress can help you achieve great things – from completing an important exam to running a marathon. Prolonged stress on the other hand can do real damage, both mentally and physiologically.

Stress is your body’s response to mental or emotional pressure, hormones and chemicals are released that prepare you for physical action – a fight or flight reaction – which can have very uncomfortable side effects.

Here are some ways to tackle your daily stressors:

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

A CBT Therapist deals with your current problems. They identify your stressors and any negative thoughts, emotions or actions that are affecting the problem too. It is a very practical form therapy (or technique used within counselling), with simple, effective exercises to follow. This gives you the skills to take back control of your life’s stresses.

Reflexology

Reflexologists treat your stress by easing tension in your nervous system. They apply pressure to the feet, hands or ears using set points. These points correlate to a ‘zone’ of your body so can improve circulation and reduce tension throughout your body. Reflexology essentially helps to rebalance your hormones, circulation and nervous system – allowing you to heal yourself.

Breathing

You may have heard it before, but ‘take a deep breath’ – we promise there is more to this than meets the eye. Anxiety or stress cause a physiological response to take shorter, quicker breaths, increasing your heart rate and blood pressure. Deep, slow, purposeful breathing sends a signal to your brain to calm down. It increases your blood oxygen levels, improving concentration, giving you a better chance of tackling the problem at hand. Check out this simple belly breathing exercise.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the act of focussing all your attention on the present moment. It encourages you to calmly acknowledge and accept your current feelings and bodily sensations. Mindfulness is a way of life, but combined with meditation it will help calm a particularly frantic mind. This practice helps to banish thoughts of what has happened or might happen, a significant cause of stress.

Acupunture

Similar to reflexology, your acupuncturist will treat stress by stimulating set points on your body. Fine needles get applied to points that on the appropriate ‘meridian’ or ‘Qi’, a highway of energy to unblock it. So, depending on the point stimulated, it can help deal directly with symptoms of stress such as lethargy, headaches and low mood. Long term it can transform your body’s ability to handle stress on its own. Studies are starting to show this to be a highly effective treatment.

https://www.thelunahive.com/5-mindfulness-facts/

5 tips to help with postnatal depression

Postnatal depression

Becoming a mum can be a big change with a lot to take on and sometimes it can be hard to adjust. I am a mum to two gorgeous boys (Barney and Freddie) who definitely keep me on my toes but also make me laugh until I cry. This has not always been how I felt. Freddie was born the day after Barney’s 2nd birthday, after I was induced due to high blood pressure. I had had a difficult pregnancy that I really didn’t enjoy, with a birth that didn’t exactly go to plan.

We spent 10 days in hospital, where 6 of those days Freddie was in the Special Care Baby Unit. I felt a large amount of guilt, from Freddie arriving before he was ready to leaving Barney for a long time while I was in hospital. Neither of which I could have done anything about (which I understand now).

Postnatal depression symptoms

I have always loved my boys, more than words can describe, but for over a year I never felt really happy. I kept putting this dull feeling I felt to being tired and hormones, after all I had just had a baby. I’d speak to my mum and husband about not feeling happy sometimes but I should have done more about how I really felt. Instead, I just hide my true feelings, put a smile on my face and pretended nothing was wrong.

Most mornings, I wished I could have stayed in bed and hide from everything; the only reason I got up was that I knew I had to look after the children. I would cry over the smallest things and everything I did felt like a chore.

This carried on until a year after Freddie was born; I felt that like it was getting harder and knew I had to speak to someone away from my family and friends. Through networking, I met someone who very kindly put in touch with a counsellor. I had completed 4 months of counselling and can’t believe the difference in how I feel. It has made me realise how bad I was really feeling. I now love being a mum and laughing again. I just wish I had been honest with myself sooner.

Please note, I am not a medical professional but the following tips I have learnt about through my own experiences that can sometimes help when dealing with postnatal depression.

Surround yourself with people you love

With postnatal depression one of the last things you want to do can be to socialise. Explain to your close family how you are feeling and how they can help you. Although, sometimes it is easier to confide in someone away from immediate family and friends. The key thing is to find someone you are comfortable with and can trust.

Get outside

Just 10 minutes fresh air can really make a difference. It can seem like such a mountain to get out the house but it will be worth it. Exercise releases the endorphins you need help give you a boost and if you can do it outside it will be even better.

Ask for help

Don’t try and do everything. Ask for help and accept any offers of help. It can be helpful to have a list of everyday tasks that other people can help with like washing.

Speak to your health visitor or GP

I was terrified to let my health visitor or GP know how I was really feeling. I was scared of what might happen. If I had known now that there are options like counselling, I would have been more honest. There are lots of options available and speaking to healthcare professionals is the best way to getting help and feeling better. Even after the first session I felt like a weight had been lifted.

Eat healthy

Eating regular well-balanced meals really can really help to improve your mood. Having home cooked meals in the freezer can be useful on days you don’t have time to cook

 

Everyone mum to be a happy mum.

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5 steps to letting go of mum guilt

Mum guilt

The most pervasive feeling I come across when I talk to mums is that they feel guilty. An endless, gut-sucking, guilt of not being good enough.

When I ask them why, only a handful have a reason that is genuinely blameworthy. That means that almost everyone is feeling guilty, for a host of reasons, but for reasons that only they believe. The rest of us would be saying ‘give yourself a break’, ‘you’re doing brilliantly’, ‘it’s such a hard job’, ‘the demands are ceaseless – you can’t be everything to everyone all the time’.

What can we do about this epidemic of guilt? Parenting is such a demanding (albeit rewarding) role and you want to do it from a resourceful place. A state of mind that brings out the best in you and allows you to believe in yourself and your ability to deal with whatever may come your way today.

So I want to talk about the yoga of permission. Giving yourself permission to believe you are a ‘good enough’ parent and in fact, that is all you need to be for your children to thrive.

Let’s start by taking an honest look at what a child needs, because I can promise you it is not perfection. From you, or from them. Perfect is an impossibility and we need to stop setting that as the goal for ourselves or for our children. Instead, children need to see their parents accepting and dealing with their imperfections and mistakes and growing from them. If they see Mum or Dad handling a mistake with humour and self-compassion, they are going to be able to do the same for themselves when the time comes.

Think of that – think of the resilience that would bring your child. To be able to fail, and to acknowledge the hurt or disappointment honestly, while still learning whatever can be learned and forgiving the failure straightaway. Wouldn’t that be magical?

So how can we learn to do it ourselves?

The first step is a technique that Granddaddy of the positive psychology movement, Professor Martin Seligman, calls disputation and energisation in his work on learned optimism. This work is based on recognising that your thoughts and beliefs about a situation create feelings, those feelings create behaviours, and behaviours have consequences – which of course then set off a new set of beliefs, with new feelings, behaviours, consequences. We can learn the 5-step ABCDE model for changing our beliefs and letting go of that mum guilt.

A is for adversity

Think about a situation in which you are experiencing Mum-guilt.

B is for Beliefs

B is the beliefs you automatically hold about that adversity. List them out. Don’t hold back.

C is for consequences

C is for the consequences of those beliefs. Think about how it makes you feel? How does it affect your behaviour?

D is for disputation

D is for disputation which is about debate and uncovering truths. Go back over the situation and ask if you have described it accurately. Is it a full interpretation? Use facts, logic and evidence asking what can you know for sure about the situation? Is your habitual way useful? What alternative ways are there for looking at the situation? Even if the situation is a total disaster, what is the worst that could happen? What is the most likely thing? Then plan for that.

E is for energisation

E means energisation. When you dispute your automatic beliefs successfully, you’ll get a natural burst of energy, release and clarity.

Try it and see. This is the skill we really need to be teaching our children. And they can learn it! Check out Professor Seligman’s inspiring work to see how life and educational outcomes improve when they do.

 

AUTHOR: JOANNE SUMNER

YOGA TRAINER, SURREY

Joanne Sumner is a coach and trainer in Yoga, Reiki, Meditation and Flower Essences. Joanne specialises in helping busy women rediscover their purpose, passion and peace.

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5 ways to process birth trauma

The birth experience

Birth can be a traumatic experience – filled with sights and sounds, which if associated with fear, can become locked into our minds. It’s of course not birth itself, which is traumatic, but the circumstances in which the baby comes into the world. Birth can be a calm, empowering experience. But many factors which can emerge during labour, including a loss of control and dignity, can leave women with the opposite impression of their births.

The Birth Trauma Association estimates that in the UK, 20,000 women develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of birth trauma each year. A further, 200,000 women may feel traumatised by childbirth and develop some of the symptoms of PTSD. These numbers are particularly high, and yet there remains little understanding of or support for birth traumas.

So what is birth trauma?

The word trauma means a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Psychological trauma is often defined as an event whereby the person subjectively experiences a threat to themselves, in some way. Within labour, some women experience a myriad of medicalised sights and sounds, equipment, difficult requests, procedures and messages. And many develop symptoms of PTSD, which might include distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbness, and avoidance of places, people and activities that remind them of the trauma.

I often see women in therapy with post-natal depression or anxiety, who come to see me unsure of why they feel the way they do. I find that when they begin to talk, I’m aware that they have never spoken about their labour or how it’s affected them.  And 9 out of 10 times, the birth was traumatic; something the mum is generally not aware of until we start to process it. They are often experiencing flashbacks from the labour, difficulty sleeping, avoidance of memories and pictures of the birth etc., but put this down to lack of sleep, adapting to the new baby and mood issues.

Trauma undoubtedly affects mood, however this is poorly understood. Anxiety is often a tell tale sign of trauma, with physical symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, or nightmares. Shock, confusion, anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, feelings of disconnectedness and urges to withdraw are just a few of the emotional symptoms. However only when starting to talk about how they feel, do women share their distressing experiences and voice that they had not understood the link between their individual birth and their mood.

So how can we process our experiences of birth trauma?

Stories about birth

The story of our birth is often caught in glossy photos, through rose tinted social media updates and birth announcements. In fact it often feels like people only want to hear good news. But when a third of births experienced are traumatic we need to start being realistic, and to share our imperfectly perfect experiences. To speak openly about our experiences (when we can) and to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly can be important. The more we listen to others less than perfect experiences, the more we fight our inner shame about our experiences.

Learn about your birth

NHS Birth Reflection services are particularly helpful for women to deconstruct and begin to learn about their birth experience. Often sections are hazy and not clearly remembered, and midwives can help women understand their reactions as well as why decisions were made when they were made. Women reflect on using these services in a positive light, better understanding an important aspect of their life.

Seek help

Therapy is also helpful in managing symptoms, and processing the birth experience. Sometimes It seems like the safest way is to avoid, but avoidance potentiates the symptoms. Gently visiting the memories in a safe place, alongside our midwives, therapists and other professional support services, is key.

Prolonged exposure (PE), is a form of CBT where we re-experience the traumatic event through remembering it and engaging with rather than avoiding it. It can teach us to approach our trauma-related memories, feelings, and situations, decreasing PTSD symptoms and improving mood. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is also very helpful in alleviating the distress associated with traumatic memories. It alters the way these traumatic memories are stored within the brain and making them easier to manage.

Join others

The power of support groups, and finding a tribe of women can make all the difference. Talking to other women and realising you are not alone, can be very powerful.

Be kind

We need to treat ourselves with the kindness we deserve, giving ourselves time and space. And to process the huge adaptation our bodies and minds have had to make, as well as processing the distressing memories.

AUTHOR: DR JO GEE

PSYCHOTHERAPIST, SURREY

Dr Jo Gee is a psychotherapist and specialist in women’s health. She is also the co-founder of The Luna Hive. Jo offers individual and group psychotherapy in Guildford and at the Priory Hospital Roehampton.

https://www.thelunahive.com/5-steps-increasing-energy-levels-after-baby/

5 ways to help beat the baby blues

Managing the baby blues

The NHS guidelines are that some mothers can experience the ‘baby blues‘ for up to 2 weeks after giving birth. This can be down to tiredness, hormonal changes and also the dramatic life change of a tiny new person coming into your life! For 1 in 10 mums, the baby blues may develop into postnatal depression.

Here are my 5 top tips to help manage the baby blues in a healthy way.

Talk

Talk lots. Be very honest about your thoughts and feelings. Whether that is with your partner, your family, friends, health visitors or midwives. It’s so important to keep the communication channels open. It can be an amazing, terrifying, wonderful yet daunting experience becoming a parent, and by being honest, the people around you will be able to support you where needed, and help make things a little easier for you.

Self-care

Creating time for you. Remember that person you were before you became a parent? That person still lives inside of you, and deserves some time to recharge the batteries! Self-care is not selfish; it allows you to have space, time to reflect and an opportunity to gain enjoyment or relaxation for a few precious moments. If you can arrange someone to watch your baby for even just half an hour, my top self care ideas would be napping, having a nice quiet bath with some candles and a facemask or even just sitting and enjoying a hot cup of tea or coffee!

Move

And I’m not talking about the house! To move ourselves and integrate some gentle exercise is a great way to get the endorphins flowing and allow those happy hormones to lift the mood. (In the few weeks after childbirth, this should be agreed by a health professional). But gentle exercises such as walking, postnatal yoga or swimming are a brilliant way to move your body, and help you feel like you have achieved something. All of these activities can be enjoyed with your baby in local groups also, so childcare needn’t be a worry!

Find a support network

Especially for a first time mum or dad, it can be a very overwhelming experience becoming a parent, and often what we see on social media will give us the perception that everyone has self-latching, all night sleeping, and perfectly behaved babies from the get-go! To have a real support network around you gives comfort to the reality of parenthood with others who are going through similar experiences. Whether this is a group of friends, a local class, an online forum or the pre-school mums, make sure that you have a group of non-judgemental people that you can rely on, and wont blink an eye if you need a rant or a lengthy cuppa!

Positive mindset

This is probably the hardest task to master, but will be worth its weight in gold if you are able to try and add a touch of positivity to your thoughts. You could learn to do this through the art of mindfulness, practising gratitude or even by positive mantras or affirmations. When times are really tough, it’s important to remember how far you’ve come, that the night waking won’t last forever, you won’t have to wear big pants for the rest of your life, your boobs will return to a normal size, and you will become more confident in your parenting ability!

AUTHOR: THE MADE UP MOM

MINDFULNESS PRACTITIONER, SURREY

Emma, The Made up Mom, is an advocate for mums (and dads) regarding their maternal mental health and parenting in general. She experience postnatal depression and following this became a mindfulness practitioner.

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5 things you might be feeling after having a baby

From my experience

I had my first son six months ago, and what a journey it’s been. I have learnt that everyone is going through the same thing – no matter how weird you think your feelings or thoughts are. And you will more than likely find by talking openly to another new mum that they’re feeling it too. It’s bloody hard, but rewarding and your baby will push you to breaking point and then do something incredible and you’ll be reset to get going again!

But there are common themes, which in talking to new mums, I realise are our experiences are shared.

You’re sore

It’s obvious. And I hate to say it. But it’s like you’ve been hit by a truck. Or done ten rounds with Mike Tyson. Or run a few marathons with a very uncomfortable thong on. Whatever the analogy – you’re bloody sore. A friend described the sensation afterwards as sitting on a bunch of bananas, and it is crazily accurate. But overriding the physical sensation was utter awe at how incredible my body was. I just made that perfect thing and pushed it out! Go me! The natural high you are on, completely overshadows the nasty stuff (for a while at least).

You’re in love

It sounds cheesy but – the amount of love you have for that tiny person you created! I remember sitting in my bed in hospital when my partner had fallen asleep, cuddling my little guy with tears rolling down my cheeks just because I loved him so much. The most amazing yet terrifying feeling.

You’re anxious

Saying this, it isn’t all the cosy family love bubble with cuddles and laughter that I expected the first few weeks to be. I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed, unprepared and incapable – I could not have swatted up more about the whole shebang, but as everyone says, nothing can prepare you for the first time someone hands you that tiny little person. You have transformed from only having to care and look after yourself – to being in charge of the life of a tiny person! And it’s not just a responsibility for a bit of time. It’s for the rest of your life!

I have suffered with anxiety in various degrees since I was a teenager and for at least 3 weeks after the birth, I was extremely anxious and on occasion getting close to having panic attacks. My fingers would tingle, I would have heart palpitations and I couldn’t sleep. And I just felt like I couldn’t handle it. I now know it was a crazy mix of hormones and lack of sleep which was causing it. The key was to take it day by day and not think too far ahead, as that was the overwhelming feeling. I personally didn’t have the ‘milk coming in, baby blues on day 5’ – I had anxiety and it probably peaked during the second week. You just have to keep you and your baby alive. Don’t stress yourself with anything else.

You’re going to need help

Dependent? It’s hard to admit as I’m fiercely independent, but admitting you need help and being dependent on others (be it your family or that angel of a midwife who steps in just as your baby is unable to latch for the millionth time that day who helps you), is important. Don’t be afraid to seek counselling and psychotherapy if you need extra support.

You’re learning to trust your gut instinct

I’m very opinionated and strong-minded, but in this brand new area of my life I was so affected by people’s advice and opinions as I felt I had no clue what I was doing. Advice to myself back then – trust your own knowledge and gut instinct.

 

AUTHOR: EMMA JACKSON

NEW MUM AND BABY, SURREY

Emma is mum to Freddie and based in Surrey. She’s also a psychotherapist in training at Regents College, London.

https://www.thelunahive.com/5-ways-to-help-beat-the-baby-blues/

5 psychological tips for pregnancy and beyond

Having a baby

You’re growing an entire human, which is hard work. Taking time to rest and contemplate the journey ahead, connecting with your partner before your life gets turned upside down important. Here are my 5 top tips for preparing yourself to stay emotionally well in pregnancy and beyond.

Rest

Rest and gentle activity are your best friends in pregnancy. Magnesium is vital for the body to fully enter ‘switch off mode’ so ensure you either take a good supplement or check your daily pre/post pregnancy vitamins. Resting once baby arrives is also vital. Many cultures promote a 30 day hibernation period where family take over all chores and allow mum to be with baby. Sadly we don’t have this in our culture, however you can create a restful bubble in which to take time with your new baby. Both you and baby need to be in close contact for the next few months and your body needs to recover, so put your feet up, forget about dishes and give yourself permission to just be – it may feel indulgent but I promise you, the time will fly by and you never get that time back. Success doesn’t have to be measured by how quickly you get back on your feet, so unless you need to get out, be successful at resting and recuperating!

Ask for help

Your circle of support may be small or big, however it’s important to prepare your circle. In the later stages of pregnancy and post birth, you will benefit vastly if those around are prepared. Let them know in advance what you need and be specific. It could be washing, food, even sticking on the dishwasher for you. Every bit can help and people generally want to be helpful. If you find it difficult to ask, perhaps your partner can do this. Psychology Today has a great article on 7 ways to ask for help.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries

Boundaries are defined as ‘what is right for you and what isn’t right for you’. In the late stages of pregnancy this may mean having to say no; to plans, to house chores and to giving less energy to very emotional relationships. It may also mean keeping your upcoming labour a private affair. Once baby has arrived friends and family will want to come over and this can be extremely overwhelming. Having time getting in your flow can really help in those early days, allowing bonding and rest and remember baby isn’t going anywhere. You’ll need all your energy for the next stages of baby-life. Remember, whilst baby is very sleepy in those first few days, mum and baby are designed to be close and homebound. Setting your expressed boundaries early can really help.

Communicate

Becoming a first time mum or growing the family and wondering how your new family will manage can feel really scary. Find people you can talk to; a group of women going through the same thing, or close family and friends who can listen without judgement and advice. Hormones and sleep deprivation play a huge role in your emotional worlds, but sharing and allowing your feelings will help you manage them and stop them overwhelming you. Seek professional help if you find you regularly feel overwhelmed, it’s a real sign of strength to take what you need, just as you have visited the midwife for your bodily needs.

Breathe

Stop what you’re doing right now! Sit down, close your eyes, feel the chair supporting you, drop your shoulders, relax your jaw, take a deep breath in through your nose all the way to the bottom of your lungs, pause and breathe out slowly through your mouth, blowing away an imaginary feather. Push out all the oxygen from the bottom of your lungs and make the outbreath slightly longer than the inbreath. Repeat 5 times. If you’re feeling adventurous, make a low humming sound when you breathe out (this activates our ‘switch off’ system). It’s so simple yet when we’re fearful and stuck on ‘go’ we shallow breathe.

Deep breathing and consciously relaxing the body can help in many situations – sleeping in late pregnancy, having difficult conversations, in labour, when feeding baby both breast and bottle, soothing an inconsolable baby, even your first poo after birth! Get a breathing app on your phone!. Go ahead, give it another go now and notice how much calmer your feel. Try the Calm app for breathing exercises.

AUTHOR: SOPHIE MICHAELS

PSYCHOTHERAPIST, SURREY

Sophie Michaels is a psychotherapist working with new mums in Finchley, North London. She works with adults and young people who struggle with their emotional worlds.

https://www.thelunahive.com/5-steps-good-enough/

5 ways to cope when birth doesn’t go to plan

Birth plan?

It’s always worth making a birth plan. In the process you gain information, choices and confidence about your options in birth, all of which are incredibly empowering.

Sometimes however birth doesn’t go to plan, either Plan A or Plan B and can become more difficult than anticipated. If you have had that experience, it can be really challenging to reconcile the expectations you may have had with the reality you experienced. Healing and moving forward is possible and also very beneficial for your physical and emotional wellbeing.

5 ways you can support this healing are receiving support, getting rest, gaining wider understanding, self-compassion and bonding time.

Receiving Support; Emotionally and Physically

If birth has taken turns you weren’t expecting it can be even more important to seek good emotional support.  Talking about your feelings, hopes, disappointments as you process what has happened, can really help. This can be from a professional such as a midwife, health visitor or with talking therapies via a GP or privately.

Talking to someone you trust such as a partner, family or friend can also give you the space to consolidate, air and work through your thoughts and feelings about what has happened. Talking gives the opportunity for your experience to be heard, validated and empathised with.

Getting Rest

This is such an important one that many of us don’t do after birth and is even more important if you are coming to terms psychologically with your birth.

After we birth, either vaginally or via belly birth we birth our placenta, this leaves a dinner plate size wound our uterus that needs time to heal well.

In many cultures it is traditional to allow women who have just birthed 40 days of deep rest. It is recommended in UK to not take on anything strenuous for first 6 weeks, a similar timeframe.

Rest allows the body to heal and also allows our brains to heal via sleep. Rest is also essential for our wellbeing both emotionally and physically, it is has been shown to have neurological benefits after trauma, improve mental ability and also regulate the body. It shouldn’t be seen as a luxury after birth but an essential that is grabbed as much as possible.

Wider Understanding

Often after birth we can ruminate over the choices we made and how things could have been different. This space can be difficult as we can find our thinking stuck and unable to shift from the feelings. However having a well-performed birth notes debrief with a midwife can offer new insights and perspectives. These can help us come to terms with why and how some of those choices were made.

It can also be useful to speak to other professionals to also offer light on other aspects of our birth we may not have known about and allow us to release some of the responsibility we hold on the outcomes.

If you feel you would like to take any aspects further, it is worth doing so through your local MVP (Maternity Voices Partnership) at your hospital, your feedback can be useful in informing their practice for future and supporting other parents.

Self-compassion

This underpins so much and leads on from releasing the responsibility we may take on. As women and mothers we tend to carry responsibility for so much. This means that when things have not gone as we hoped we can feel guilt, shame, sadness and sometimes a sense of failure.

Being kind to ourselves and seeing what we have done well is essential. If we notice our own inner self-critic, it is worth asking ourselves if we would talk to a friend in the same way?

Our birth is an amalgamation of many factors, most of which are beyond our immediate control. Remembering that we did the best we could with what was available to us at the time is so important in holding our own feelings internally. Psychology Today has a useful article on how we can cultivate self-compassion.

Bonding time

If birth has gone down a more challenging route than expected, having time with your baby is so important.

Skin to skin, looking and responding to your baby and feeding your baby with mindfulness can all support bonding. This also releases of hormones that help you physically and emotionally.

If your experience has been challenging it can be difficult physically and emotionally to navigate this. So take your time, give yourself rest and nourishment, and eliminate stress wherever possible.

Remember bonding takes time; this is about laying foundations that feel positive for your relationship with your baby and yourself as a mother.

More than anything be kind to yourself. Remember to seek support and help where you can. And if you are finding things more challenging, do speak to your GP or Midwife for further advice.

HYPNOBIRTHING PRACTITIONER, SURREY

5 myths of carrying your child

5 mindfulness facts

Mindful-what?

Mindfulness is one of those buzzwords that we hear a lot about, but what does it mean?

It means ‘paying attention’

According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, a mindfulness specialist, mindfulness means paying attention in the present moment, to things as they are, non-judgementally. It’s about being in the moment you are in, without being lost in the past or future.

It’s about engaging all of your senses in that moment, so noticing sights, smells, sounds. It’s about stepping out of your thoughts and back into your body. Further it’s being aware of emotion, sensation and doing this without judging what we become aware of.

It involves key skills

Linehan, a US psychologist, breaks mindfulness down into the ‘what’ we do in mindfulness, outlining key skills of ‘observe’, ‘describe’ and ‘participate’. By observe, we notice what is going on in us and around us, as well as what we are feeling.

It’s a bit like the guard at the palace gates – a calm and alert awareness to what is going on. We might then describe our experience, putting into words what we notice. So, ‘I notice I am thinking…’ and ‘I notice I am feeling…’. Participating means taking part, joining in and being totally aware when taking part in an activity.

And we attempt to do these things non-judgementally. Judgement is one of our bugbears, as we spend so much time judging ourselves, others and the world around us. We need judgement to safely navigate the world (judging distance, risks etc.), but what use is self-judgement? Self-judgement lowers our mood as it compares us against another person or ideal, outlining how we ‘should’ be and berating ourselves for what we are not.

This isn’t to say we can’t have an opinion on things, but the pejorative, damaging nature of judgement is what crushes self-belief. It also colours our own experiences, and brings about negative emotions. Oh and it’s not effective in bringing about change.

It can help us concentrate

Mindfulness can help us concentrate and focus easier, as with practice (and more practice) it builds up our ability to direct and control our mind. Through practising ‘bringing the mind back to the present’ when it wanders or becomes distracted, we become more able to do that in our everyday lives. This also helps us manage situations in a calmer way as if we can find our present moment to come back to, we are more able to think clearly.

It’s an alternative to problem solving

With problems in our everyday life, we are used to being at A (when we want to be at B) and using logic, careful analysis and problem solving to get there. However emotional issues aren’t like everyday puzzles – they can’t be easily understood or rationalised away. We might, for example have a goal to feel ‘happy’, however this drive for happiness creates frustration and judgement. We can’t make ourselves feel a different emotion sometimes, even if we think we should logically.

Here is where mindfulness gives us an alternative – it doesn’t ask us to problem solve away emotional issues, nor to change it. But just to notice it and let it change at its own pace. It attempts to draw us back to the moment so we are less likely to cling tightly to the issue, or avoid it completely. It’s not a problem solving technique, but a different way of ‘being’ where we let go of the need to instantly solve the issue. Further we take time out from our goal orientated mental patterns.

Mindfulness approaches teach people to pay attention to every moment as it happens, using techniques such as meditation and breathing. It allows them to let go of negative thoughts which may tip them over the edge into depression.

It also helps people to become in tune with their own bodies; helping to identify change in mood, spikes in emotion, negative thoughts and pain, which we will all experience. This is alongside a greater acceptance of thoughts, feelings and self overall, leading to increased self-esteem.

It’s scientifically proven

Mindfulness-based therapy (MBCT) is scientifically proven to help those who experience depression, anxiety and insomnia. It has also been recommended by the National Institute for Clinical and Health Excellence (NICE) as an effective treatment for people who have recurrent episodes of depression. In Clinical trials MBCT is more effective than a maintenance dose of antidepressants in preventing relapse in depression!

AUTHOR: DR JO GEE

PSYCHOTHERAPIST, SURREY

Dr Jo Gee is a psychotherapist and specialist in women’s health. She is also the co-founder of The Luna Hive. Jo offers individual and group psychotherapy in Guildford and at the Priory Hospital Roehampton. To book Jo, visit the directory listing below.

https://www.thelunahive.com/5-steps-sleep-wellbeing/